Monday, June 9, 2014

Blogging my way to recovery

First of all, I want to send out a huge THANK YOU for the love I received in response to my post yesterday. It was hugely uplifting to read the comments and tweets from sympathizers and encouragers. I need everything I can get right now. I'm not ashamed to say it... I need to rely on other people to be positive for me.

Today was only more disappointing.

I had a doctor's appointment at 10am. She was really happy to see me standing upright and walking with a smile. Last time I saw her, I was crying and in a wheelchair. So a lot has changed in one week! Still, she told me that the MRI confirmed that I have a BIG disc herniation. Well... duh. That wasn't the surprising or disappointing part.

The surprising/disappointing part was when she went to check my reflexes in my bad leg. After knocking that dreadful rubber hammer against my heel three or four times and barely getting any response, she asked me to stand up and do five calf raises on each leg.

I stood up from the examination table and lifted my left leg, balancing on my right leg (the bad leg). But as soon as I tried to do a calf raise (stand up on my toes), I fell over. I laughed it off, thinking it was a balance problem. But then I couldn't do it even when holding onto the table.

My motor functioning is impaired.

So maybe "surprising and disappointing" isn't the right way to describe it... Maybe "freaky and totally terrifying" is better.

Bewildered, I sat in a chair as the doc started to describe what was going on in my back. She grabbed one of those plastic model spines so she could explain the way my nerves are being pinched. I turned white as a sheet and she had me lie down on the table again so I wouldn't pass out.

What a morning.

In physical therapy I cried. I cried and cried and cried. And my physical therapist hugged me and told me stories about herself and other people who have come back from this. She told me I'll run again. She told me I'll be okay.

The thing is... I just don't feel like I'm okay now or that I'm gonna be okay. I have to trust that I'm in the right hands and that I'm doing everything right. But I don't feel it. All I feel is this awful pain or a loss of motor functions. When my doctor used the S word ("surgery") today, all I felt was panic and dread. I'm just in a bad place right now. So hopeful that things will look up soon.

Next up: an appointment next Monday with a doctor who administers injections into discs. That is going to be a serious sobfest. I'll probably also do what I usually do when I have to get a shot: beg and try to bargain my way into an alternative. Yes, I'm 28, and, yes, I'm afraid of getting shots. Ugh.

Sorry for the vulgarity.


  1. UGH. I'm so sorry, friend. Meghan and I were just talking about you on Saturday night at the College Ave. Mile about how much this injury stinks and how we miss you! We'll need to get together for food ASAP... I mean, food makes everything at least a *little* better, right? Hang in there - I'm here if you need me!

  2. Thinking of you and wishing you a speedy recovery! Listen to your physical therapists! They will help you get back to running in no time. :)

  3. :( This is almost making me cry too. Hang in there! It sounds like you're in good hands whether you believe it or not. I've seen people with similar injuries in PT get back all the strength they had and more; you've just got to believe that will be you too.

  4. The process of recovering can sometimes take longer for some people. This day may not have given you good news, but it doesn’t mean that you’re not progressing well. Continuous therapy will help you to recover gradually. And just like your physical therapist believes, you will surpass this one day. Stay strong!

    Derek Sparks @ Forgey Chiropractic